clara!

2011-12-17T21:43:00.000+08:00

2011-12-14T23:08:00.005+08:00

In desperation for friday and tuesday to arrive this instant.

I can't take it, sometimes I feel this urge to be a bitch, to swear about you as I speak,
to say nasty things I would probably regret even for the thought of it.
This anger has become anti-suppressant, I swear.
But I don't want to repeat my old ways, I'm not that sort of person anymore.
It's just so hard, its been hard. You can't do this to me over and over again like its become

a routine. I am Your Friend, treat me like One.

2011-12-13T21:18:00.002+08:00

"I can't say I'm lonely, but you left me alone."

Honestly, I can't wait for this year to end. Not that it is possible all troubles,
sorrows and problems will destroy themselves, but I guess knowing it's a new year
I tend to sense things will be different. It feels closer to a new beginning, closer to
starting a new about everything. 2011 has become the old and soon over.
2011 doesn't hold as much any longer, it has started to become memory than moment.
so, 2012 please just be a better year, not only for myself but everyone.

(:

2011-12-12T23:12:00.004+08:00

I'm so silly, truly silly.

Where are you, come back soon please.

True/False?

2011-12-12T01:44:00.003+08:00

It's monday again, another week again. & I don't feel like living till friday.
I wish to slumber here, between my pillows, under my blanket, on my bed.
I feel this is where I belong, in slumber, asleep, in a dream.

I'm growing suspicion, whether this is real. Whether you are being real towards me, or you
feel the obligation to because technically I tried a few times on my part. To relive this part
of us, that could be over but I just wanted to stay and try. But I don't know whether at the end,
would I feel worse and regret of starting this over again. I need assurance that this isn't
some brutal lie waiting to erupt in my heart, I need to know and feel what's true.

2011-12-08T22:48:00.002+08:00

Now, where could I possibly find someone like you anywhere else?

"No where."

2011-12-07T22:11:00.002+08:00

In another life, I would make you stay.

I go back to December

2011-12-04T00:30:00.002+08:00

I think this year has passed so quickly. When I realized it was december, it gave me quite a
shock. I feel as though, I didn't live up to 2011. Like it slipped through my fingers and I had
no idea that it did. I can't exactly say I wasted most of my 2011 away, but I guess I can say
I could have done better. Still, I can't be thankful enough for everyone who stood by me
when I needed it the most or the least. I just hope 2012 would be better, and everything
would be okay for once or even for awhile. Goodnight.

Take your time - Cary Brothers

2011-12-02T01:43:00.003+08:00

I miss you, more than anything. Right now, I can't think of anything else to say, because that's
all I ever wanted to say weeks ago. The only reason why I could never bring myself to
admit is because, saying something out loud just reminds me of how true it truly is. & In
some ways it hurts me even more or it can become a relief. Our friendship dates a long way

back, what am I to pretend I'm fine without you in my life? I do need you as these couple of

weeks has taught me that. But I wouldn't know if this applies to you too, it's okay if it
doesn't. I just need you to know, that's all.

Goodnight.

Hate it when...

2011-11-30T02:15:00.003+08:00

People tell me to "get over it" when they, themselves can't let go of certain issues.
So, I don't really see what right you have to ask me to do the same.
Or at least, encourage me.

It was your heart on the line.

2011-11-28T22:43:00.004+08:00

I've been staring at her hair, hoping mine would (magically) transform
similarly like her's. Haw O_O

I'm so amazed by how unmotivated I've become. At the start of this 1/2 semester, I told
myself I would make this 3.8 GPA come true. Wake up call to myself - It doesn't seem to be

happening this time. I'm delaying work, restless and lazy. Triple doze of failure in me and I
think it's loading up itself in myself. sigh What Am I doing? maybe it's the red sea, I don't
know? I hope it is though, cause it's temporary. Just these two modules and it's holidays!
come on come on, I can do thisss

Ciao~

Ich bin traurig

2011-11-26T00:07:00.005+08:00

Staying up till 4am last night does serious things to your mind the next night.
E.g.
– You start being silly
– You get irritated easily for no reason
– You sense everyone is against you
– You feel no one genuinely cares about you
& Maybe this list goes on...

However, I was really glad to meet Althea Jessie Ben and Anzhen after quite sometime.
I had sumptuous korean food, especially love how they cook the beef! Also, simply walking &
talking at the same time. I forgot to ask, has anyone noticed TANGS christmas decorations?

Their stunning! I never took a good look at it until Theodore told me to. The whole building
is glowing and shimmering all at the same time. I really wonder how it would be like
working as a christmas decor designer or for any occasion. Decorating a building is just a
whole new different aspect, something no one really thinks of?

I'm shagged out and I want to continue Love & Other Drugs before I sleep
adios amigos~

Run run ru ru ru run

2011-11-25T00:18:00.002+08:00

Why I'm temporarily moody:
1. I have to make changes to my marketing report.

2. Love and Other Drugs is taking a little long to load.

3. My throat feels funny, in a bad way.

4. All I think about is M&Ms & my awful GL interview.

Le sigh. Confirm not gonna be a GL/get my M&Ms

Be closer,

2011-11-24T00:04:00.003+08:00

Whenever I feel like I've fallen back to square one,that scares me the most.
Nothing beats thinking you've progressed when all along you've been jogging on the spot
rather than running along. You thought you've done quite enough when it's no where near
enough, you thought you had it all but find holes in between and soon, everywhere else.
Knowing some part of me has not moved forward is not only upsetting but horrifying.
How could it stay? and why did it stay? That, I'll never understand.

Purely Coincidental

2011-11-22T23:13:00.004+08:00

Please just know, I wished to have stayed and make it last a little longer.

But I couldn't.

Dear John

2011-11-22T00:49:00.005+08:00

"I finally understood what true love meant... love meant you care for another person's
happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face may be."

Beautiful story indeed~

Just a dream.

2011-11-20T22:36:00.003+08:00

" I dreamt of a furniture departmental store. Colors of blue and yellow everywhere, it seems
familiar. Then I remembered- IKEA. I was running around holding onto someone's hand.
Too baffled by how big IKEA was in my dream, I didn't take any time to look at whose hand
I was holding onto. Or maybe I already knew and I wanted to leave it that way for awhile.

Finally when I gave myself some time off, I looked at your face. Not at all surprised, rather
it felt Right then. I giggled like a little girl, while you piggyback me around IKEA. Your arms
felt assuring and your body felt warm. It was the Right place to be, I knew it. Whenever you
went to close to the furniture you would make sure I knocked them down one by one, Hahaha.
After that, we sat on small stools playing 'house' with children. I looked at you while you teased

them, I thought- I couldn't be happier, I was close to tears until I woke up."

Goodnight Goodnight

2011-11-19T15:51:00.004+08:00

My module of typography and layout has finally ended and on that day itself my flu miraculously
got cured when I woke up, haha. Unfortunately, Public speaking came to an end as well. I
felt disappointed I didn't fully express myself towards mrs Lucas when I had the chance to.
I felt my voice shake just by saying a few words and I couldn't bare looking right at her. But
I'll miss you so much mrs lucas, You've been one of the greatest wisest and kindest lecturer I've
ever came across <3 I hope you have the most wonderful deserving trips to portugal next wed(:

& I'm happy that I'm doing better. Sometimes I don't really know whether or not I want to see
you knowing we're both at the same place at the same time but most of the time now, I
realize I don't want to. I can't look at you the same way as I once did, cause seeing you shows
me how damaged this whole thing is. It's so unrepairable that all I could do is just to feel sad.
& I think I've been 'sad' for far to long at my age. Its 18, I'm suppose to live off my youth while
I still have it. Don't you want me to feel happier?

Maybe I didn't know what to tell you.

2011-11-14T12:45:00.004+08:00

Nice.

Sometimes, I feel on the verge to just... pick a fight with you.
It feels like it could solve everything right now.

–

2011-11-13T21:50:00.002+08:00

I beat myself up whenever I find some flaw in myself.
I try to surpress what I feel and think, try to remember that life has been good to me even
though in my darkest moments I feel I'm being treated unfair from everybody else.
let's face it, it is never fair. It is only balanced, during the moments when life treats us
terribly its to balance the good they have given. It is what it is.
But I'm so cautious of having another flaw, I feel I have enough at the age of 18.
It's like finding a strand of white hair in abundance of black hair. It reminds you that you're
getting old and older. It's tough seeing yourself become something you'd never want to see.
I never could tell myself I was good enough, because I'd find some fault in myself to prove it.
It sounds ridiculous but it seems I've been growing that way, the only reason why people
leave me is because I had that flaw.No one really tells you what it is you lack off
or have something you shouldn't. They just leave and expect you to know.
& you end up wondering how serious that flaw is because they literally left you.

Sigh this post is just getting worse and sad. I don't even know where I am going with this.
but lets just say- I blame most of myself rather than other people around me.
Goodbye.

Closing Time - Semisonic

2011-11-08T01:10:00.005+08:00

(Okay, I don't exactly like cats, but I find them adorable, visually.)

Tomorrow or rather later today, I'll be spending three FREE hours in class and later say my three

min speech for my public speaking class. I feel quite nervous though its 17hours away from now,
I'm picturing or semi-experiencing how nerve racking it would be. I know the whole speech at
the back of my head, but that's not the matter, what matter is if I blank out. I realize the tendency
of it happening is increasing. Of course, I'm trying to discard the fact that I WON'T do that,
I WON'T give a Lee Kuan Yew pause and try to get an applause, instead I'm going to keep

at a steady and successfully articulated pace (Y) Well, all the best to me then and also my friends
who happen to be starting their Alevels tomorrow. Gees I can't wait for them to be done actually,
seems like such a long run that never seems to end. I'm glad november has arrived for them, its
about time they've stopped studying anyway haha. & as for you, I wonder how you're doing,
whether you're still caught up with _ problems. I just hope everything figures its way out
somehow, because I think you've been through enough. Hmm alright time for bed, goodnight:)

2011-11-06T15:18:00.003+08:00

I wish
Someone
Would be
Afraid
to
Loose
Me.
______________

"I feel I've lost a part of myself, sometime ago to someone like you."

Infinite

2011-11-04T14:11:00.002+08:00

Today was my first time in tampine's IKEA, it was really big and stocked with shelves of home

appliances touching the ceiling. The place was wonderful, well lighted, it didn't smell like fresh
plastic nor sawed wood rather it smelt just like flowers. We shared salmon, meatballs and

deserts for dinner (: Then we decided to walk around to have a better look around IKEA.
I was drawn by the colors of red, white, gold and silver that it didn't take long for me to
realize Christmas was on its way. I examined christmas lights and chandeliers, gift wrapping
paper and printed napkins, everything looks beautiful. & with IKEA's fabulous lighting,
everything Does look beautiful. (Or maybe I find everything to be art. haha)
The most astounding thing was, when I saw all these beautiful things displayed in white metal
containers and shelves, I thought of you. I don't know what it justifies but it just does.

Shame on me for even thinking of buying you a gift, but my mind seems to be Way ahead most
of the time. I started feeling happy and sad all at the same time, it wasn't all that confusing
but exhausting repeating this cycle again. I held onto a gift wrap paper and said:
"Can you believe this, one year has gone by so fast."
My friends smiled & looked forward to 2012, but I felt otherwise. Maybe to me,

I feel that when this year ends, next year would be entirely different. Next year, I wouldn't

know if I still have a place somewhere in your heart/mind, it doesn't matter where actually.
But it feels you've quite forgotten I am still here,just... waiting around.
I don't really know what for, but I just am. I am here, always.

It could be you.

2011-11-04T00:56:00.003+08:00

You are someone I completely have no idea about, what you're like, who you are in general.
But I find you well, rather adorable. Though you insulted my star, I forgave you for that.
I don't know when I did, but I knew I had once I came into the classroom today.
This sounds rather silly actually. But I've long to feel this way again just a little less than before.

2011-11-02T23:20:00.009+08:00

"I m_ss you."
3 words that are being misused too often, that show too much affection yet not quite enough to

comprehend the way someone feels towards another (if it were entirely true)

Maybe there are different levels to how much and how long a person has missed the other to

categorize it's state of 'missing'. By definition, I have missed you probably more than usual

these days. Maybe because I know we're at the same place at different faculties surviving and

passing time in school like anyone else just that, you aren't "anyone" else that I've known.

On my part, I've been meaning to say it but I couldn't quite get myself to. I guess I wanted you
to know that I do and not hear it from me. It all sounds misleading, but there's always a slight
difference between these things. You just have to understand them.

I feel knowing is substancial enough and that this blog is evidential to my admittance.

Without you,

2011-11-01T23:22:00.009+08:00

"I thought I was fine, felt fine, doing fine. Clearly I never was. Maybe I had reasons to be
in denial, maybe I felt time adding weights on my back, maybe I just wanted to stay out of it.
Or probably a bit of everything. Thing is, I still find myself tearing up inside but slower now.
It becomes better after awhile, better in an adaptable sense. I guess when you're tired of
fighting this long hard battle between your mind and heart, you tend to give up.

I'm not sure which has surrendered, the fight is long and hard remember? So, I think what I
could try to do is at least heal my wounds before another battle."

-whl

so my daisy stud didn't exactly poke through, so I changed it, exert some pressure on the

new small diamond stud and it bled a little :-s why am I even saying this on the internet...

Anyway, tomorrow is our impromptu speech test tomorrow. I'm very nervous about it,
1. I tend to choke
2. I mumble my words whenever I go to quickly
3. Blank out
Sigh~ well, heading out to take photos with drew before that. Hope I get nice shots!
Goodnight~

It's amazing, isnt it?

2011-10-31T23:35:00.003+08:00

"It's nice keeping them around, I play them through my mind almost everyday. I don't

misuse them when I'm alone, but only when I'm feeling a little more alive.
They make me happy, and I'm sure they'd do the same for you too. Are you tired of them?
Because I had never once felt any obligation to remember them, they are always there for me.
(& You too) Don't ever throw them away, keep them. Forever in your mind they'll stay."

Happy thoughts.

2011-10-30T12:20:00.007+08:00

"I've seen the way you look at him. Your face brightens like morning light,
Your eyes shimmer in happiness & serenity, your smile parades across your face instantly.
& At that moment, I knew, you've fallen for him." -Me

Take a little time to hold yourself,
Before it's gone.

_________________________________________________
Yesterday was really fun, everyone was dressed up, taking photos and just partyin'.
Unfortunately my red sea had to participate halloween too :/ But I managed and still enjoyed
myself (: Met spiderman elmo lady gaga IJ Boys priests mime slutty ... uhm people in general
Now, I've got to anticipate the amount of workload I left off from last night, sigh~
Be back later.

The point is...

2011-10-29T01:12:00.007+08:00

I made several improvements today:

1. My attention in class
2. My heart
3. My public speaking

How?

1. I managed to write down notes that DID NOT appear on the powerpoint.

2. I don't beat as fast anymore, the nervousness has gone, my cheeks don't flush.

3. I won the debate against my lecturers criticisms and comments.

However:
I felt disappointed in myself. Wondering how was I able to Allow myself to be treated this

way by someone else. How I've never stopped it once despite mentally protesting against it

& How pathetic I seem to be pleasing others before myself all the time.

Conclusion-

I need to rest now, my mind needs it as well. goodnight

Purrr

2011-10-28T00:54:00.003+08:00

"When has it ever been enough?"

I've just finished my Assignment 1 which isn't my First homework I got by the way,
I had another one before this, sigh. It's like before, working my life away. I almost forgot all
the plans I made, even Halloween! I guess I'm going as cat woman like I've always wanted.
Can't really say it'd be the most realistic costume, BUT at least I'm dressed up haha.
Okay, I'll probably continue this tomorrow, goodnight Meow purpurpurrr

2011-10-25T21:46:00.002+08:00

wow.

My bun, for some reason, is never in the middle whenever I do this too^

I hope you:-
Stay strong. You know you Can pull through this because you Are better than this,
& you Will be stronger after this is Over.

Hello there,

2011-10-24T20:45:00.005+08:00

-DAY 1 OF SCHOOL-

Today was the first day of school and first time I've been introduced to new classmates.
Thankfully I don't only hear the ventilation working but my classmates talking. I wouldn't
know what to do if I knew my classmates were bunch of... silent designers. Also, I managed

to get public speaking as my CDS with Joon, Zaidi, Amirah, Nidia and Gladys (-:
School looked insanely crowded today, which made me feel nervous while entering school,
& I felt my hangover coming back to nauseate me this morning, now I'm good though (Y)
So, I also found out I have 5 exercises, 4 assignments, 1 group project. I've been given my first
"homework" which is exercise 1 = 10 posters + 10 reflection on typeface. Wow... Wonder how's
exercise 2,3,4 going to be like at this rate. I don't feel ready for this but I know I have to, just
for that GPA 3.8 must must must do well this semester *fingers crossed*

2011-10-23T15:31:00.002+08:00

teehee, season 2 is finally out :>

Amazing isn't it?

2011-10-22T02:56:00.003+08:00

"If things are so complicated between us,
then I don't think we're meant to be together."- Liam 90210
(This is probably the most haunting statement)

Every day you just cross my mind unexpectedly, all I could do is hope you're doing okay.
That's my unconditional care that I'll always have for you.
Just know that.

2011-10-21T03:40:00.003+08:00

2011-10-19T01:10:00.006+08:00

I don't know what's worst right now,
Becoming distant and unengaged around people or finding out there's a great
possibility that I'm gonna end up in a new class. Must I live such a sad life?
I pictured how first day of school would be like, hugging my classmates, strut into school
with outfits we've planned to wear together and fooling around in class with everyone else.
That image suddenly disintegrates once I read my class's fb page, everyone posting up
concerns about the timetable and slowly leading to cds which happens to be our first module.
Sighhhhhhhhhh~
I just feel so... heartbroken now :(

2011-10-18T02:10:00.003+08:00

I thought: Don't you dare give up on everything we had, no matter how insignificant.
It happened and it matters to me, a lot.

2011-10-17T01:52:00.002+08:00

2011-10-16T02:35:00.003+08:00

"Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart."

I actually wrote this long list of things we could do together,
then I laughed at it thinking it's impossibilities are just too great.
I would still like to name one here:
1. When you graduate from flight school, I want to be the first to fly on the plane
you're flying to somewhere we've both never been before and spend however long we want
there, Just you and me.
It sounds so great. It's probably the best I got on the list. Lqtm

2011-10-15T01:04:00.002+08:00

"Please, whatever you do, don't give in."

Yesterday we celebrated Munera's 18th birthday, pulled a prank just to get the cake out
to surprise her, teehee. & It was my first time eating at seoul garden (Seriously), it was pretty
good especially all the different types of seasoned chicken and pasta Yum! A day well spent but
now I'm just pissed off with my mom. I hate it when people don't even Bother asking your
permission to borrow or take your belongings. Especially if it concerns food because
biologically speaking you only SHIT the food out, you can't return it once it's been eaten.
& for god sake, I use my allowance on everything I spend on Myself. & my allowance isn't much
or does it come easy when I WORK for it. Urgh, I know it's just food, just buy it again~ But this
has happened more than once, I'm sure I am entitled to be Angry or at least Annoyed? urghhhh
Whatever, it's over. Goodnight.

Black//White

2011-10-13T01:56:00.006+08:00

My maid seems very amused by my awkward napping positions.
She says, I do not look like I'm napping at all. I seem very serene but still mindfully aware of
my surroundings. But no, I'm sitting up, legs arched, neck bent to the side, asleep. Hahaha
Putting that aside, although I stayed home just lying on the couch reading and having
some ice cream, today went by pretty quick? tomorrow I'll be meeting my dearest ClareM
in town and hopefully swing by my workplace (:
.........................................................................................................

I need to remove this attachment I have with you. I can't feel emotionally disabled whenever
you're not around, it isn't your obligation to be by my side too. I wish I had more drive in me
to fight for you but everything is falling apart between us. We can't even communicate properly.
I don't feel I can talk the same way I use to before, I want to, but I just can't.
& It upsets me because I want to make everything better for you, this once so you could
be happy again. We could be happy again where no expectations or complications existed.
I really really do.

2011-10-12T02:07:00.006+08:00

I care that's why I bothered to ask what was troubling you in the middle of the night. I was
glad you wasted no time in telling me, and I felt I was part of something in your life then.
Do you know what that feels like? It feels amazingly satisfying. Like I've done something
right for once, that I made the right decision to talk to you. But that doesn't last very long,
until you decided to stop talking. Do I mean that little to you? Just because I cared
enough to ask and you thought it was pointless talking to me further once everything
is out of your chest? I don't deserve this, and how are you a better friend for doing this.

Cheappp

2011-10-10T22:53:00.003+08:00

The dr martens that I want!!

Anyway today has been great despite me fainting in the toilet because of my piercing the
previous night. I bought 3 books at $20, a top $10 and a f21 bracelet $7! I even managed
to reserve my pair of Vans *squirms* I haven't exactly planned my whole week yet, but I hope

this week shall be great like today (: Goodnight~

15

2011-10-08T01:07:00.004+08:00

Today someone surprised me at work, it was B.w :')
and when I asked him whether the piercing was working out for me
he said I still looked pretty. & That probably reminded me of why I fell for him
before. His sincerity, kindness & affections are unforgettable, I felt my cheeks warm up and felt
shy by looking at him like when we were 15. Hahaha such good memories & I'll always have him
in my heart. Okay I'm tired and in the mood to read
Goodnight~

danggg

2011-10-07T00:17:00.002+08:00

I've got a....
NOSE PIERCING AHHH.
I feel this is the change I need or at least part of it. Wonder whats next heeeheee.
In all, this is very exciting, even after piercing, even after seeing this (BLING) stud on my nose,
it still feels so fresh of exhilaration & anxiousness. My mother however wasn't too keen on it but
Surprisingly, she calmed down after some Xfactor therapy. & she's actually quite cool about it
(YES!)

You know, I still had the cheek to actually think about asking you about piercing my nose.
Then I realized, things have changed and I can't do that anymore. Neither did you need to know
anyway. But that's alright, you don't need this now. I just hope things start to brighten up for
you soon and don't overwork yourself. Goodnight.

To You

2011-10-05T13:28:00.006+08:00

Things I've been meaning to say:

I'll never hurt you the way she did. I'm not saying I'm never going to
hurt you in some point of time, but I would never hurt you or leave you
the way she has. I'll never be able to do that

On rainy days like these..

2011-10-04T14:49:00.003+08:00

what I would want to read next

What I one/someday attempt to bake

what I do almost every day of my holiday

2011-10-04T02:01:00.005+08:00

During work, I was complimented for my good service/waitressing(?) That made my day
instantly, no one has ever said that. Mainly because I'm really blur and clumsy but at least
I'm not a lazy bumbum. Apparently 3 of my colleagues got fired because they simply take
Ages doing a simple task. So terrible~ & aside from that, Claudia and Priscilla came by.
I really appreciated it not because today's crowd was slow (its actually slow on every weekday,
besides friday..) its cause no one really comes by anymore :( I thought everyone knew about EWF
besides me which was true at first Hahaha. Oh I never knew about Awfully Chocolate too,
and I don't know what was I thinking then, admitting I had no clue of AC's existence during the
interview (I interviewed because he recommended AC to me) Till today I'm still quite surprised I

got hired in the end but work has (in general) always been fun, more fun with my new colleagues

around too (: Okay I'm gonna do what I do best: read myself to sleep, Goodnight world~

2011-10-03T03:39:00.003+08:00

Well when I first look at him, all the best things that has ever happened between both of us
will start reappearing in my mind, but... so does the worst. And the worst start
polluting the best moments, turning them so cold, distant and vague.
I'll find myself not being able to look at him again. Not in the same way I once did.
& It's hard looking at someone who gave you more bad memories than good to remember,
it always overweighs the good and there's nothing I can do about it, nothing.

Lost /= Losing

2011-10-02T23:52:00.004+08:00

It's my grandaunts birthday today. I didn't want to shake her beautifully aged soft fingers,
I wanted to give her my warm embrace. I wanted her to feel that she is loved & she has never
been left alone. She never needs to feel that way even when her sister is gone. I can tell behind her
old tinted brown shades she was trying her best to hold it all together. I admired her
emotional strength for her age, I admired everything about her. How she carries on with her
life still healthy and doing well & I think that is probably the hardest thing anyone could do.

P.S To my dear grandaunt, stay happy and healthy. I love you,always.

When will enough ever be enough?

2011-10-02T16:35:00.006+08:00

In my dream, I recall telling someone or rather shouting at them
"I've seen someone lose their life in front of me, and that was my grandmother!"
I burst into uncontrollable tears and firing anger which woke me up when it all felt
too overwhelming. My heart drumed slower and softer as I catch my breath of reality.
"It was all just a dream" reciting in my mind and I fell back to pitch black sleep.

I miss you, my dearest beloved grandmother.

A drop in the ocean

2011-10-02T00:36:00.005+08:00

I wished all of this, is just a dream. That I'll wake up and realize it never really happened, it was
all my sub consciousness working realistically. Dreams are just like the worst scenarios you
think of sometimes, you'd feel it and picture yourself in it but thankfully it never happened or
it hasn't. But that's not living up to life is it? wanting everything to be a dream. What if that
moment teaches us the best lessons life has to offer, it may be a mistake but who ever said
everyone is perfect? what if that moment is able change us to someone better and greater?
Wouldn't you want that moment to be real?

"If you love someone, you would let them go." - Man and Boy

Trouse

2011-10-01T16:34:00.002+08:00

"I constantly tell myself I don't need you. But I never knew when that was possibly true."

So, I went for Trouse Brothers at Zouk last night with (Ok I'm gna try remembering)
Gracelynn Jitren Chelsea Grace Jonathan Takashi Nate Aaron Mong Chikin Chihung Gary
Joey and his friend. During Trouse Brothers I touched their... really soft hands many times,
got a bottle of beer, a apple shot which I gave to Natasha, and and... wait for it....
A SHIRT WHICH SAYS "BRING THE TROUSE DOWN" its really niceeee ahhhh the night was
satisfyingly fulfilled, I couldn't ask for more :') However, there were really annoying people
pushing through to get to the front. And this bitch who took my spot after she pushed me away.
She calms others were pushing her, I don't think so sister~But its okay, I got my good share of
fun from the Trouse Brothers :)

2011-09-29T02:07:00.002+08:00

Sigh, I'm sorry.

Angst 101

2011-09-28T00:13:00.003+08:00

I am one angry angry girl right now.
I'm trying my very best to be less self centered, to be less selfish, to be less of every flaw I could
be. But I am also fucking tired of every good thing becoming a bad thing, of every happiness

turned into rage at night, of every thing I loved becoming every thing I hate. I don't want to

feel this way anymore, I don't want to turn against anyone I cared for. I couldn't bare
letting go, the more of losing somebody I have in my life. Then again, is like everyone is pushing
me to the edge of losing it, losing myself to someone I detest of becoming into. Why doesn't
someone realize that a person could only be this good, strong and loved for a certain amount
of time. All good things come to an end, and when it does, I just want someone or anyone to tell
me it's going to be alright. It's just a phase in life, it's not permeant, not the least bit of it. But no,
no one is really there. I usually find myself filling my own void, very often. That's not the reason
why I'm mad, I'm mad because I really (completely entirely definitely) Hate people changing
plans last minute. Not only did that ruined my night, but someone's voice. Loud rough annoying
voice piercing through the phone. I'm SO amazed by how fake you can be, really. I think
you should be personally rewarded by me. Maybe I am making a big fuss about this, but you know bbm
doesn't lie when they indicate that someone has read your reply. And besides if you don't want
reply, just end the motherfucking conversation dammit. Is it so hard?! I actually believed
that things would change, for the better between us. Why, look at this- NOTHING has changed.
I'm so sick and tired of everything repeating itself. You don't even seem to realize how much
you have hurt me and I'm always settling for little whenever you apologize. Gees why can't
you man up and do the right thing once and for all. Break my heart if you have to, just stop this.

Cause I'll never wna see you sad.

2011-09-27T13:35:00.003+08:00

Whenever I feel gay, I wna run along these kind of fields. Just populated with many
daisy flowers and other mother nature's offsprings, but the flowers will do :)

2011-09-26T16:30:00.004+08:00

Imma make this for myself one day^

2011-09-25T02:32:00.003+08:00

" There is nothing worse in the world than thinking
you have a chance when you don't." - Grey's Anatomy

I said "maybe I just don't want to be in singapore anymore." Reason no.1:
Our transport system is so convenient, but the public makes the ride a living hell.
It's a bus for goodness sake, there is a Driver to open and close the door. But people push
and squeeze through oblivious to their surroundings and feet below. Where did they get the
mentally that the bus's doors are just as automatic as the mrt's? but that's not the worse.
What's worse are women with big bulky handbags, giving you a good punch on the arm,
swaying you backwards almost causing a fall and walks away without an apology. It all
sounds slow motion right now, but when it happens to you, you'd probably end up
ripping the women's fresh-from-the-salon hair off after. It's just so absurd how people
who barely knows you, treats you that way in public. THEY HAVE SIMPLY NO MANNERS!

2011-09-24T13:16:00.001+08:00

" If you wanna leave, you can. I'll remember you though,
I remember everyone who leaves."
- Lilo n Stich

GG

2011-09-24T02:20:00.002+08:00

the guy doesn't look like chuck...

Ball of emotion

2011-09-23T02:33:00.003+08:00

So this day 22nd september 2011 didn't end well as I expected.
I almost fought with my closest guyfriend in class over a guy(?) and I was so afraid of what
the outcome might be. We've never fought before, we'd always apologize & forgive each other.
But I felt anger building up continuously as soon as I sensed we weren't looking at this

matter eye to eye, he couldn't understand where I was coming from and most of all
he felt otherwise about my point of view. I explained over again but he still stood strong with
his own judgement, I've always admired him for that but this time, it was just pissing me off.
All my mind was telling me "he is a dude, he wouldn't understand how girls feel."
True enough he doesn't, I can tell he is trying to, but he simply just can't. However, I felt my
anger extinguish when I sensed him trying to make the situation better, giving suggestions
instead of defying me. I finally settled down, slightly agitated but also feeling grateful.
Sigh, I just never want this to happen again. It's like a bowling ball about to hit strike
but fortunately went into the gutter. (wait shouldn't it be the other way round lol)
K obviously I'm too tired to make much sense, goodnight.

Just go

2011-09-21T23:28:00.007+08:00

My mom said, I'm ungrateful.
Probably why, I don't deserve anyone even if I wanted them badly enough.

-

2011-09-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

Book I'm reading: Man and Boy by Tony Parsons.
I literally laughed at this paragraph
"Sometimes I watched our Pat peacefully play for hours with his little plastic Star Wars toys.
That was child-like. Marty's attention span was nowhere near that long. Marty wasn't
child-like. He was just undeveloped." Hawhawhaw

So far, it has been a good read! Anyway, my class is given an extension for our final submission.
Although I had to re-edit every postcard again, I'm not really happy about our extension :(
I've been waitinggg & waiting for the holidays, now it just got shortened by a day hmph.
Oh wells, for the benefit of the class sigh. I shall post up my work once I've finalized it (:
Back 2 work now~

Meredith

2011-09-19T22:02:00.004+08:00

A reason why I love watching Grey's Anatomy. So descriptively written :')

But, its the weekends.

2011-09-18T23:33:00.004+08:00

^ my face now.

I spent my entire weekend doing my final assignment. I'm just craving for the holidays
right now. All I think about is wednesday, once the clock hit noon or maybe earlier
then I'll finally have accessibility to my one month holiday. So now, I feel miserable
doing my work and in addition a running nose yay... Anyway hope everyone had a better
weekend than I did, goodnight.

She cares, that's her problem.

2011-09-15T13:11:00.005+08:00

"You disappear so completely into your head sometimes." He said.
"I wish I could follow you."

At 2am in the morning, I was lying on my warm creased bed, carefully structuring

& picking out the right words for your letter on my text edit.

While getting to the climax of it, I felt nervous and relieving at the same time.
I've came this far and waited so long to finally say what I really wanted. That is such a big
accomplishment to me, really. I was not afraid of saying it, rather the consequences after
I did. Probably everyone assumes I do express how I feel openly, but no. I could be angry,
but that's momentarily. It's the "after taste" of feeling that anger which I don't normally
talk about. To me, that's more personal and less likely to open up to. But I am doing so in
your letter. & all I hope is, you read my letter carefully, you can choose to think about it
and reply or simply be satisfied with what you know about me from now on.

Days like these...

2011-09-14T23:58:00.002+08:00

FINALLY an off day for tomorrow, yay! I just came home from a nice night out with Claremarie.
We went cheap thrill the whole night, bought $5 watches on the way as well. I couldn't be
more satisfied. However my 2hour nap before I met her, couldn't last till 9pm Sigh~

My TO DO list:
- Draft ideas for final submission
- finish designing the card
- Buy canvas baggu bagback ^^
- START exercising already
- Heal my right eye
- Become prettier tomorrow hahahaha!!

Before I start embarrassing myself, goodnight.

My best intentions

2011-09-13T10:52:00.006+08:00

/I chose to run, simply because
I couldn't face the truth, simply because
there was no other way to lose you./

why, hello there...

Never stopped thinking of getting inked ;)

These days I feel I'm living for the sake of being alive. Really.

Montage

2011-09-12T16:48:00.007+08:00

I'm changing the quote to: "We See What We Want."
__________

"Does it hurt?" She asked.
I looked at her, and said "What hurts?" when I knew exactly what she meant.
"Him..."
I looked straight ahead, recuperating all thoughts of him again. Searching within what was
left of me to feel such emotion. The growing uncertainty stings each hope of progress
I've made towards letting him go. Finally, I looked back at her with a hesitant answer.
"Yes it still does."
"Do you think, you'll get better soon?"
-Pause-
I took a deep breath-
"Right now, I don't think that's up to me to decide. Because I've been trying so hard,
and I don't feel I'm in any control of how I feel anymore. Especially, towards him.
I just can't anymore..."
She knew, I had no more answers left for her.
Her soft sympathetic eyes offered me sufficient comfort
and we continued walking in silence.
__________

9/11

2011-09-11T17:10:00.003+08:00

"When you lose someone, it stays with you.

Always reminding you of how easy it is to get hurt."

I just watched a youtube video on 911 phone calls from the twin towers.
I feel the heart break of so many people with love ones trapped in the either twin towers
and watching the buildings collapse just adds on the devastation. Hearing each of the phone calls
gave me goosebumps cause it never felt so real, listening to someone departure just like that.
The worse phone call, was when a guy was frantically calling the 911 for help and the operator
did a really bad job calming him down. I remember him saying "We're young men, we don't
deserve to die so early." He stayed on the line till the building started collapsing and that
marked his last words. Sigh, it was just ... terribly tragic.
okay enough said, I have much work to be done, goodbye~

Those would be the best memories

2011-09-09T23:24:00.003+08:00

Looking through these photos, I felt this wrath of emotions

You know, those kind of feeling you thought was once foreign to you. They just reappear and

gushes through your system and your brain voluntarily recalls the memories you've

had when this photo was taken. The effect is sudden & vivid, after some time you

realize you are able to recall so much more. You look at the photo for awhile longer,

noticing, what you had missed the previous time. All that you felt while taking the photo

mask your present face with the same expression like an mirror image. I could only think of:

How much I missed those days. I've never done something so daring in my life, the adrenaline

to seize my passport the night before, when we were alone roaming in cold dense air,

sitting in front of every breath taking ride, how silly we all were, the amount of enjoyment

I felt and finally, how close we've become. Funny, that I sound so dramatic and corny... haha

but I wouldn't know how else to type this down. They were so significant to me, because that

trip saved me from all the emptiness of losing a loved one that I'll never see again.

But when I look at how things are now, I can't help but wonder why did you make a

point to be in my life in the beginning, greatly impacted it and now you seem to be leaving?

& you probably have no idea how much I would do just to be there for you whenever

you need it but I can't because I think the lines are blur. No matter how much I want to

see that "line" I know deep down, it never existed in my terms. & I just.... Don't know

what to do anymore you know?

This leaves to another un-concluded blog post, night.

A lonely september

2011-09-08T23:47:00.003+08:00

On Grey's Anatomy,
George said to meredith:
"You know what? For what its worth, I think he is crazy if he doesn't pick you."
aww :')
& Sometimes I secretly do wish, there are such guys out there. & probably that would be my
husband by then HAHA, but knowing such people do exist maybe in our midst,

just makes life seem a little sweeter.

Its not you, Its me.

2011-09-04T17:57:00.007+08:00

"I want to be able to look at you &
not feel so hurt by you."

The moment I woke up, I went down to work because all that panic jumbled up during my
sleep is taking its toll. & I want it to look more than 80% complete since david is gonna go
anal-critique on us this time round, Sigh~

Anyway, I think people should really consider the fact that I'm not the brightest or
most observant person around here. Simply put it: If you don't tell me what's wrong,
there is a good chance that I wouldn't be able to guess or sense whats wrong.
I'm not being ignorant, I just see the better of things in every situation possible.
I find myself wasting time being upset over
the same thing and it comes to a point where it seems silly of me to feel that way.
Sometimes when I sense that I'm the cause of the problem, I feel so helpless when the
person I've affected refuses to say anything. It just feels so heartbreaking...
& I'll just be thinking day by day, where did I ever go wrong.
Then I'll never stop wondering, how could the person just leave me like this. Circling
in my own doubts everyday, I am that uncared for?

slumberrr

2011-09-03T14:29:00.002+08:00

"Its like,

you have to be strong for everyone else,

but they forget to ask if you're okay."

I just sent the girl's off to the bus stop. Last night, was our IJ slumber party:) We played

"I have never" drinking game which got most of us crazy. I really loved my dad for buying

Barcadi's Mojito cocktail hehe. Had such a great time, having heart to heart talks, dancing,

rolling, shouting, etc so the list goes on~ this post shall be short because it's time for work!

I can't be more thankfully for Shyza working with me tonight when she was not suppose to

:') Bye time for fries.

.....

Have a good trip over there.

Here is to everything.

2011-09-01T22:17:00.003+08:00

I've been replaying "Just A Kiss" by Lady Antebellum, and thought of doing a cover for it.
Good idea?

This morning started so terribly, first I woke up at 8am when my lesson is at 9am. The first
cab which my maid called, drove off even after HE SAW me signaling for him to wait -.-
I fought with my mom cause technically we were suppose to leave the house together.
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE:
the second cab driver did a brilliant job of weaving through traffic and choosing the fastest
route to get me to school (I kinda lied I'm late for a major exam HA) But he got me to school
by 8.55am PHEW~ After school, met the girls, had some Hokkaido ice cream, shopped at OM
and took loads of alley photos. & I spent $12 trimming my hair at a neighborhood hairdresser!

Cheapthrill $/$. I feel very blessed for today, friends and God anytime any day :')
.....
You know what, I'll do this for myself. It's not about you anymore, it was but sparing all
that thought and feeling is tiring me out. I'm not going to look back 10/20 years
regretting what I did not do, wasting time away just like that. I think I've been a terrible
person towards my heart & you. Ruining everything we've had, stopping my heart from doing
what it always wanted to. I just, can't live like that anymore. Because this is not who I am.

Goodnight.

New

2011-08-31T21:11:00.004+08:00

I forgot how ... exhausting it is to wake up at 6.30am, let alone getting off my bed.

It took my glaring room lights and my mom's shouting to get my act together, Sigh.

(wow this post is getting interesting huh~)
Okay cut it short, Finally learnt how to use Adobe Illustrator today! David showed us
couple of good works online & its definitely not an easy program to use :-s
I shall post some of my art works if I ever do design a really nice piece, but this space
shall remain a little empty for now. & Last but not least, I'm starting to watch Grey's Anatomy
all over again because channel5 is showing bits and pieces of different seasons (bummer)
I still recommend everyone to watch drop dead diva, I know it sounds down right bimbotic.

But I swear, its more intellectual-knowledgable-interesting than it looks.
so online, I found this:

ITS SO ADORABLE & I know its a dog, but calling it a "dog" sounds too...
harsh. I mean just look at it & You really wouldn't know
what to call it cause it looks half toy/dog/fur ball/ ? True? Pets that exist these days...

I have to admit, I am bored & upset because I don't think I'll be on time for teachers
day nor have enough time since I'm working as well. Big big sigh Owells
okay I need to continue working on Something, adios amigos~

Wait & See

2011-08-30T23:40:00.004+08:00

I promise to make this blog a little more interesting each day,

but for tonight and to the new beginning of my digital essentials module tomorrow
i'll just let these typography do the blogging. Goodnight & sweet dreams~

SHOULDER

SHOULDER
SHOULDER
SHOULDER

In future

2011-08-30T01:37:00.003+08:00

I wanna work in an office, just like this:

TOP 10 COMFORT FOOD

2011-08-29T22:07:00.004+08:00

Today's post shall be dedicated to my love for food.
Caution: Salivation may occur.

NO.1 remedy. Chocolates, scientifically proven to stimulate happy
thoughts and feelings :)

TOAST, with cheese ham egg nutella. Versatility is a ++pointer

Cookies with milk :B

Apple pie served hot with vanilla ice cream is a home run, seriously.

Healthy snack, definitely comforting~

Donuts are the absolute best for morning blues :)

I use to buy these in 7-11. Haven't had them for such a long time.

best invention: ice cream. i love those with extra stuffings
like marshmallow, chocolate chips, raisins Yummm

A box of macaroons, sweet sour bitter you name it.

No one can live without nutella. Its humanly impossible for someone
like me. love nutella for life<3

& Just Maybe

2011-08-28T01:59:00.004+08:00

Why,
why can't we stop ourselves from feeling certain things
Does it take inhumanity to feel nothing at all?
Just maybe, one day I'll wake up, to realize I could care less about everything
and everyone around me. Sparing all the hurt it could cost, not to forget the disappoints.
then life, would be easier, lighter, more carefree.
& Just maybe, happiness shall pay its debt into my sad life and at that moment
I would be truly happy.

& I can't stop you.

2011-08-27T02:11:00.003+08:00

I think the only reason why I think so much and so hard

is because I've always wanted to prepare myself for the worse.
I don't think I could accept failure or rejection right on the spot.
It is as though, I need reruns of the worst scenarios I could think of, replay them,
and feel more immune every time the worst is exposed. I'm not being a pessimist here,
I just think, bad things happen one way or another and for life to move on smoother,
I always need to be prepared to let go.

is it going to be a good life?

2011-08-24T04:42:00.002+08:00

Its quite amazing how little you see in me,
and making me feel that its never enough when I have nothing left anymore.
I don't know what you choose to appreciate around you, but you could have at least
given me some credit for it. I know, I'm probably missing several factors of what you would like to see in a girl, but I've never stopped trying. & Its funny because I never understood why
I've been trying so hard either. Maybe because I've been hanging on and it pains me
to let everything go just like that. It's like revising so hard for a test & failing in the end.
But as time goes by, I see my worth more than yours. It's not going to be easy, but I have to try.
When I think about it, you've never really given me any reason to stay. At least not now.

Sigh.
the end.

2011-08-16T23:26:00.003+08:00

What hurts the most,
was thinking that other person
liked you back too.

Heart Talk

2011-08-14T16:24:00.004+08:00

"A part of me thought, if I didn't say it aloud
It wouldn't be true."
I realized, whenever you think someone doesn't affect you
at all and you could laugh about it & that's when it'll hurt the most.
And at times, you'll never understand why you could feel so much pain when
you never deserved it, you merely laughed about it because you tried avoiding
the fact that it matters so much to you. Then you start wondering, whether this pain could
telepathy to the other person so it'll all be easier. You would stop being so hard on yourself
and that person could tell you this is Our burden to share, not yours.
But you know deep down, you're alone with this.
You're unsure how time could actually work its way around,
or maybe time is not enough. Because that person is still there in your life.
You wonder how strong your knees going to keep you from falling
when those hands would stop shivering, when your heart would slow its beats.
& you just know, they mean everything to you.

Next to you

2011-08-06T19:33:00.002+08:00

Even when I was with him, so close. You are still closest to my heart.
I can't stop myself from feeling the distance and hurt, are you trying to test my patience? Cause I don't know how long more I could take this. I've been missing you for a month, doesn't that count as something? till this day, I don't know what I want out of this, but just by you being there contents me more than enough. Do I sound like I'm asking you to fetch the moon?

:(

2011-07-17T15:26:00.002+08:00

God pls,
I'm really tired
of feeling
this way for
someone
who
couldn't care less
of me.

Take all of this away, demolish & destroy it
for good.

This shall not consume me. Only for now

2011-07-14T01:47:00.002+08:00

2011-07-12T01:45:00.004+08:00

This probably marks my most outrageously careless doing- LOSING MY FIRST EWF PAY CHEQUE. I have no idea where it went to, cause every-way-of-losing-it scenario I think of fills my heart with more pain that $124 just flew away like that. How could I be so damn careless, H-O-W?! My mind has been handling too much thoughts lately & this just burdens it further. I feel I'm unable to consume however I feel any longer. So many times, I felt like I'm about to burst. That I couldn't push my emotions to the edge any longer, it had enough. Then again, I don't want to look weak and overly dramatic. Everyone out there is having their own rough phase one way or another. But is it so selfish of me, that maybe for once, I could fully express my disappointments to that person. That person who I believe never appreciated me, despite me doing whatever I could to be there for him. That person who has failed to see, he is made of greater things that I've seen for myself. & That person, whom I thought would never hurt me, probably caused me the greatest hurt right now & then. & You know, I don't understand why we're stuck in this mess, this horrifyingly terrible mess. Our friendship is on the line, not love. What I'm truly disappointed about, is that I'm not even worth that simple act of you being initiative. Don't you remember who cleared the messed up before? It was Me. & I swear, I won't do it again. The amount of time you take definitely shows how much you want me to "stay".

3D FUND SIA

2011-07-06T11:41:00.002+08:00

tisfu

2011-07-04T01:12:00.002+08:00

I was pretty sure everything was alright, or so I thought. I don't understand whats going on now but I feel responsible. Actually, greatly responsible. Maybe if I haven't been so selfish with the way I felt, maybe if I learned to consume my feelings better, maybe if I was a better person none of this would have happen. No one was gonna become upset and hurt at all. I never wanted any of this, but it all feels so effortlessly falling apart. It is like grabbing hold of water, it slips in between your fingers or evaporates slowly. I'm so upset inside, its almost like a snow ball of sadness about to avalanche my entire heart. I don't know how long I can take any of this, I'm so tired and disappointed. & right now my greatest fear of losing you seems so close, I'm just a friend to you so losing me wouldn't be much of a problem. But to me, you mean so much. I'm slowly adapting to how I mean nothing more than a friend to you, but still, the feeling of losing you still hurts remarkably a lot even as a friend. Urgh fuck, so fucking screwed up piece of mess. Goodnight.

Why doesn't this end?

2011-06-13T20:41:00.001+08:00

No.1

2011-06-10T20:01:00.003+08:00

3

2011-06-05T11:59:00.002+08:00

I think the 3 songs which says almost says/sings exactly how I feel
1. California Kind Bed - Rihanna
2. Rolling In deep - Adele
3. Try - Asher Book
Okay "Try" by Asher book is little out, but that song makes me think- Of trying harder. To stay on and fight for this. But every time I try, you seem to just knock it down effortlessly. Do you know that I'm trying? I'm withstanding your ups and downs emotion, & it getting worse and worse each time. But I'm willing to stay on, not as something more but as a good friend. I feel like I'm keeping so much from you that I don't feel like myself around you anymore. What happened to those good o times? We were both so happy, we were both very much closer. I wonder, whether it has to do with what you found out about me from the past few months. That I'm slowly incapable of keeping this friendship platonic for now. I'm going against it, yet losing the battle so devastatingly as well ): I feel my feelings are thorn into two, each feels another. I'm very much prone to walking away, soon I don't think I'm able to keep all this going & give up for good.

2011-06-04T00:45:00.001+08:00

The really sad part is-
Whenever I need you the most, you're not around. But you can make me so happy over nothing.
This is what I called- Pathetic too. Sighhh

I can hide above.

2011-06-02T21:08:00.003+08:00

So what am I suppose to do?
Watch you treat me this much in this way, and I return that favor?
You put my mind into so much thought, because I bother to be careful. I bother to care for you, I bother to remember, I bother to put you first. Unfortunately, you've never really done any of that for me. I'll always fine myself reminding, pretending, trying. Isn't this suppose to be give and take? I never felt so generous before & neither do I want to demand anything back. I've never asked for anything, just simple gestures or words to get me by. & sometimes you do brighten up my day (unknowingly) & the best of all, I have no idea what to do right now. Give me a gawd damn sign

2011-05-25T20:58:00.002+08:00

Right now, everything thing that resolves around me

I give em a big " I don't know"

2011-04-15T13:20:00.005+08:00

Florence & The Machine

2011-04-15T13:19:00.002+08:00

The dog days are (soon) to be over ):

No strings attached.

2011-04-12T11:19:00.002+08:00

The funniest sweetest romance movie I loveee watching.

Don't play with fire.

2011-04-03T14:38:00.001+08:00

You told me,
He'll realize, you've always been there. In time to come.
What bout you?